You know how when you were a kid and you started counting down to Christmas in like

August?? The anxiety is almost enough to KILL you. You can’t stop thinking about THAT DAY.

Being an adult is like a much worse, screwed up version of that but ALL THE TIME. And honestly, I’m not okay with it. We have these deadlines, these calendar dates, and these anniversaries that we are always ticking down to. Sometimes it’s for exciting and happy things, but it requires so much effort beforehand that we’re just stressed and overwhelmed and don’t get to enjoy any of it (aka Christmas…. it gets less exciting every year, doesn’t it? Or am I the only grinch in Whoville??) But sometimes our calendars aren’t counting down to a happy event, sometimes we have dates and anniversaries that cause us so much stress they’re almost like ANTI-Christmases!!

These past few days, and the next few days to come are my worst anti-christmases of the year. I have a few.. my moms birthday is the day before mine so both of those days are rough. Mother’s Day, Christmas, thanksgiving, Easter, the aneurysm date, any random family event that I wish she could be there for… okay there’s a lot of anti christmases.. but mom’s death date is the worst of them all. The day that she left this earth. The day I lost all hope. The day that I felt completely like a child again. Lost, empty, and alone even while surrounded by so many people who love me. I was 18 on March 7, 2017, but that day I felt like I was a helpless newborn. The days to follow were just as isolating. Every year as the date approaches I feel less capable of “adulting” and more prone to sleep all day and forget about my responsibilities. (Y’all don’t even want to see the laundry mountain sitting in my hallway…)

Anyways… I say all of that to give you a glimpse into the week that Dana and I are having. Yesterday we couldn’t get it together, and so there was no blog. Dana is taking care of grandma who recently had a knee replacement, I am busy wallowing, and we are certainly tired. These blogs have been very healing for me already, and I know we have both been talking about how happy we are to have finally done it… but the point of this blog is to be REAL. So here I am rambling about nothing on the internet because this is my real life. And if one person looks past all of the posts on social media today telling them that their lives aren’t perfect enough, and they happen to land here on my chaotic ramblings and feel less alone.. isn’t that what it’s all about?

Ladies, the pictures are airbrushed. Men, the six packs are unrealistic. PEOPLE: the internet is filtered, edited, and exaggerated. No one has it all together, but you can be the one to be honest about it. If we’re all going to feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and incapable of adulting, we might as well make it a party!

Happy Friday eve, party animals!

-Montine

2 thoughts on “Day 11: Like a child again

  1. Jennifer Petit says:

    The last two weeks have been absolutely gut wrenching for me. I lost my brother on Aug. 31st. Which was hands down the worst day of my life, followed my many others. Well, monday is his birthday and I feel so bad that I am here, and he isn’t.
    Anyhow, I have been reading this blog for the last 12 days and I want you all to know that you are helping me through this painful time, and I truly appreciate that. Your words are comforting for someone that has a hard time expressing her thoughts and feelings through words. I do not know you all personally, but I personally thank you for this healing blog. I am very sorry for your loss. Thank you for helping me through mine.

    • Montine says:

      This comment is exactly why I wanted to start this in the first place. Thank you for your vulnerability and for reading along with us. Grieving together doesn’t make the grief do away but I’d does make it less lonely. ? sending you love!!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *